okay pat passed out under dana's car
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
