Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
