trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
