I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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