Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
