so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
