Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
