I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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