chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
