Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
