The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You have to summon your inner elephant
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
