i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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