On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
