Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
