Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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