My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
