Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
