everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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