actually, I'm a sock model
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
