woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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