i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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