How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
