can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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