all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
