I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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