I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
