I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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