I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
