i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
