I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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