It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
