Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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