It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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