I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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