I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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