Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
