she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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