Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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