I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize