I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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