I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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