Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
