her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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