I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
