She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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