Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
from now on my penis is your penis
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
