I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
