Welp...herpes.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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