just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
