I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
