nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
