I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
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