You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
