New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
