I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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