Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I cockslap morals
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
this hospital has no fireball
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I came so hard my ears popped.
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