Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
