I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
