a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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