Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
