Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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