peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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