im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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