I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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