I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
