you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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