if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
